Control and Self-Compassion - Truly Connected and Valued
/I recently found myself addressing a situation that was, shall we say, less than favourable for my finances. Cut short I’d lost thousands of dollars from my retirment/superannuation fund. Not the best situation and one that should have been avoidable…
Just as the penny dropped (with my mouth falling open aghast and in sheer disbelief at what I was now seeing) I recognised the early signs of anxiety, anger, emotional pain, guilt and self-loathing.
I’d just lost a sizeable sum of money - this clearly gave me the right to express my anger, sorrow, pain and suffering as I looked to understand the situation and pin the blame somewhere. This would only be right in the circumstances, I felt a gut wrenching response and anticipated a lot of self-recrimination and angst.
But I realised that, there was another course of action I could take - challenging myself to reach into Stoic practice and instinctively the old war horse of the Dichotomy of Control.
Applying the Dichotomy I realised there was absolutely no point in expressing any negative emotion over something that had occurred in the past - over which I plainly had no control. I could potentially jump up and down and throw accusations around - but in reality this wasn’t going to achieve anything either - other than my emotional suffering and potentially stress for others.
Losing the money was now a historical circumstance that, while avoidable, had unfortunately occurred. I could neither control nor influence this event. I needed to be indifferent to the loss of funds, rather than ruminate and worry for days on end or get angry about the questionable processes and characteristics of the financial sector.
In full honesty, I have to say - much to a weakness in my character - I would have likely ruminated over this long and hard; kicked myself repeatedly and howled about the injustice of it for a good period of time. It would also have resurfaced from time to time in future months too - twisting the knife a little more.
But a quite different approach and response occurred. I found myself being indifferent to the loss very quickly. Applying the Dichotomy worked, it worked exceptionally well. I could literally feel the weight and tension fall away the instant I asked do I have control and thought of the how Stoics like Epictetus might have regarded the situation.
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will” - Epictetus
Now, to some, this may seem rather obvious - you don’t cry over spilt milk. Yes, I get that. But I wasn’t dealing with spilt milk but a sizeable amount of money. For me to avoid anxiety, worry, ruminating and criticising for days or weeks was a very real achievement - particularly given the speed of acknowledging and agreeing (with myself) that I was not concerned about the loss, I was (remarkably) indifferent. The funds were gone - end of story!
But then, I identified another avenue opening up. I accepted the funds were gone. I had no control over these external events and I wasn’t going to ruminate over the loss. However, I quickly found that the part I arguably control (my thoughts and reactions) was now seeking to identify blame - someone needed to be accountable.
In truth the loss was a combination of circumstances that worked together to deliver this fate. But let’s dig deeper. The reality is that any blame could be placed pretty squarely at my own feet. Yes corporate machinery, obstacles and their greed played a part but I could have avoided the outcome if I’d been more on the ball. I could feel self-criticism and indignation building inside - oh boy this was not going to fun - I mean “How mind-numbingly stupid do I have to be to cost my family this amount of money…!”
Fortunately, for the second occasion in little more than a few minutes, learnings from Stoicism were at hand to ‘calm the farm’ and just chill for a second or two before jumping in with both feet and getting myself all twisted up in knots. I quickly recognised two key things:
I had no control over the actions that brought the event about
I did have control over whether I would seek to find blame in someone - including myself.
I recalled quotes that went to this very circumstance of attributing blame for an event:
“An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself” - Epictetus
There were also quotes that jumped to mind immediately that went to the fact that harm is only available when we judge it to be so:
“We are not disturbed by events, but by the views which we take of them” - Epictetus
So perhaps I might be said to be making progress if I blame myself, but I don’t think Epictetus was advocating for this. I needed to identify with the wise man and not lay blame on anyone. I also needed to recognise the only way I could be harmed by the events was by my judgement of the event, including the attribution of blame, guilt and self-criticism.
The event had occurred, nothing could be done, I needed to accept it without judgment of myself or another. I needed to find that place of indifference, even thought a good sum of money is involved. Again, applying Stoic principles - I recognised that it doesn’t matter the event and the magnitude of loss (a hard concept to get your head around). Whether I'd lost a china plate, a loaf of bread or a sum of money, if the event could not be controlled, then I needed to be indifferent to the loss, only my judgement of the event could cause me harm.
This concept can be challenging when you first encounter it, but the reality was that this level of indifference had allowed me to find peace, calmed my mind, and to move on clear headed and focused on things that do matter and that I have influence over - for instance preparing dinner for my family…lets get on with it.
I think this event and how I responded really illuminated a few key messages or take-outs:
Utilising the Dichotomy of Control when faced with such circumstances does provide a bedrock to recognise whether you have control or not and to be indifferent if you do not have control or any influence - particularly easy in its application to past events.
The Dichotomy of Control recognises we can’t control what happens, only our response to the events. We should seek to control our thoughts, emotions and reactions that went to desiring a different outcome (one that you couldn’t control) or to finding blame. This, apparently, was easier said than done. While I could quickly recognise the lack of control over the events (logical), the ability to control or limit my detour into negative self-criticism or judgement (emotions) of my behaviour (actions and inactions) was harder.
I needed to be aware that self-criticism acted for me as a potential backdoor out of the Dichotomy of Control and into ‘Rumination Alley’. Thoughtful application of Stoic principles and practices offered a timely pause to catch and contemplate my reactions and find an alternative to rumination.
I had demonstrated that I had the ability to catch these early signs - to see them as an initial (almost automatic) reaction in my thinking and emotions. With success in catching these initial reactions I had succeeded in quelling negative/worthless/harmful thoughts - by realising the futility of them.
Reflection rather than self-criticism was needed - so that I might learn from this. The learning was in the form of seeking to be more on the ball over such affairs, but also that I needed to have more self-compassion and empathy for mistakes.
The Dichotomy of Control with respect to external matters and my thoughts, emotions and reactions needed to fit within a model of empathy and compassion for myself and others. This would provide the means to avoid negative and harmful thinking, emotions and knee-jerk reactions when events outside my control occur in the future - as they undoubtedly will…
The importance of finding a quiet moment - away from the event - for self-reflection. There is still real value in looking at the event without criticism. For instance, how I might have managed it better (if possible), how I responded (the good, the bad and the improving) and any practical lessons or adjustments that I may wish to make in my appreciation and application of Stoic practice.
